And the Oscar Goes To...

I was sitting on the couch last night waiting for the Republican debate on Fox News, popcorn in hand. But then the unthinkable happened: the journalists began asking important questions! They forced me to think about issues relevant to the presidency of the U.S., and since I can't think and chew at the same time, my popcorn turned cold.

After the MSNBC debate, I was expecting 90 minutes worth of slapstick entertainment, inside jokes and clever one-liners. But there I was, having to listen to these politicians and their economic mumbo-jumbo.

Then Congressman Ron Paul suggested that the 9/11 attacks could have been prevented if only we would have pursued friendly relations in the Middle East, instead of bullying everyone into hating us. Mayor Giuliani, offended, responded by saying that the remarks were outrageous and that Rep. Paul should apologise.

But he forgot to tell us why.

A discussion exploded between the two, the like of which is rarely seen in the mainstream media. The Fox journalists immediately aborted the discussion. I'm paraphrasing to the best of my memory:

"Let's move on to another topic. Senator McCain, should the Confederate flag be displayed on public property?"

Immediately, in an involuntary motion, my hand dove into the popcorn bowl, and it was hot again! A miracle!

The debate plunged rapidly to the level of the previous Chris Matthews farce.

"If a nuclear time bomb were about to explode, would it be OK to torture a suspected terrorist who may know where the bomb is?"

Oh yeah, baby! Now THAT's more like it! The popcorn is literally jumping out of the bowl and into my watering mouth...

Congressman Tancredo then brought the debate to its pinnacle, what screenwriters refer to as the 'plot point': "In that situation, I'm looking for John Bower!"

Awesome, dude! It's total action-packed fun! (Roaring applause from the fans present at the stadium.)

If I hadn't been sitting next to a fan of the show "24", I would have thought this Bower guy was some FBI chief or something. [Side note: the members of the U.S. Congress watch teen entertainment.]

Of course, macho man Giuliani said we should do anything we can think of. Not torture, but 'advanced interrogation techniques'. Wink, wink. The fans adore him!

"Governor Gilmore, why are there no minority candidates on the stage with you?"

He might as well have asked, "Governor Gilmore, why do you hate n_____s?"

It's an awesome show, dude. And it has a really cool moral message. It even has the wacky next-door neighbor, Gov. Huckabee (even the name sounds right!)

He blurts out his whacky joke: "We're spending like John Edwards in a beauty salon!"

Pure pandemonium in the stadium! The governor has made the crowd feel important, like they're members of the Republican club.

Thank you, Fox News, for this great new show, "Presidential Idol".

Anyway, the Oscar goes to Mayor Rudolph Giuliani. He was the real crowd pleaser. He was the tough guy. The Terminator of the terrorists. The Annihilator. The Liquidator. The Executioner.

Hey, I think I have a script there!

-Carmelo Modica